Clergyman's

“How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?”
— Sam Kinison

“They're the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!”
— Sam Kinison

“We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!”
— Sam Kinison

“YOU LYING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!”
— Sam Kinison

“The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring back our fuckin' FLAG, asshole! Show us some moon rocks, or kiss this.”
— Sam Kinison

“Oh, god, where's the fuckin' bottle, you fuckin' whore?! DID HE FUCK YOU WITH THIS TOO?! Yes-- OH, SHUT UP!!! HE DID EVERYTHING TO YOU, OH, GOD!!!!”
— Sam Kinison

“They beat us, they beat us, they made us do their BLOW!”
— Sam Kinison

“Oh, God, will you SHUT UP! GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! YOU'RE HIS WHORE! OH! OHHHH!”
— Sam Kinison

“I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?”
— Sam Kinison

“This man had to be Captain Kangaroo for over thirty FUCKING YEARS! No scandal, no controversy, drank a lot. You would too. I don't think he knew the show was going to go thirty fucking years. ""Goddamn it, I'm fucking Captain Kangaroo. Thought the fucking gig would last two or three years, I didn't think I'd spend my whole fucking life as Captain Kangaroo! I was an actor, I was in the Actor's Studio, I wanted to do Death of a Salesman, I wanted to play Willy. My God, I'm Captain KANGAROO!”
— Sam Kinison

“Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and...hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's DICK IN MY ASS! Oh, GOD!!! I'M DEAD!!! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends! OH! OHHH!!!”
— Sam Kinison

“I would like to sing a song for my buddy Rodney, whose girl Laverne broke his heart and let him down; but what Rodney doesn't know, he's got every reason to feel so low, 'cause, Rodney, she fucked everyone in this fuckin' town. YOU FUCKING WHORE!!! You used Rodney, you never loved Rodney! Remember when Rodney went to the ball game? You had your own ball game! You fucked the whole fire department! You were the fire, you fucking bitch — they had to use your fucking hose! Oh yeah, you fucked a butcher because he said he had the biggest salami in town! I know all about you! You read Moby Dick because you thought there was dick in it! It was the only book you read; you ended up sucking the book! I was best friend, you sucked my dick, I felt guilty — how come you didn't feel guilty?! 'Cause you don't feel anything, you fucking whore! OH, OH, you oughta die, die, you fucking bitch! DIE!!! DIE, YOU WHORE! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! How's THAT Rodney, ya feel any better!?”
— Sam Kinison