Clergyman's

was on his deathbed, going, ""It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!
- Sam Kinison

Jesus' Wife: ""And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?""
Jesus Christ: ""It's okay, I'll tell you...Not that's important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I'M IN A FUCKIN' GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTIN' DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I'M CHANGIN' SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO ""WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!
- Sam Kinison

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, ""It's a shame that he has to die."" And Jesus is saying, ""Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!
- Sam Kinison

One song was 'Suck My Dick'. Not please. Not honey, do you have a minute? 'Suck My Dick'. Like soomething the Beatles coulda rolled out. ""Hey, John, would you like to write 'Suck My Dick'?"" ""Well, I don't know, do we have time? Sounds like such a hard song to write."" That was the song! 'Suck My Dick'! Fuckin' album sold two million records with a song called ""Suck My Dick""! Like the guy got up one morning and went, ""you know, today I wanna write a song. Today I want to write a love song. I want to write a song that tells how a woman and a man feel when they meet each other for the first time and they fall in love; I want to put into words feelings that men have always had, but they've never been able to express. All right, I think I'll call this song..."" Yeah. It's that song that's gonna be on that fuckin' Golden Oldie rap album in ten years... ""Where were you when you heard 'Suck My Dick?'"" Remember those old days?
- Sam Kinison