“Ignorance is bliss. Wisdom is blisters.”
— Brian Spellman
“Feed a squirrel and he’ll leave you alone every day.”
— Brian Spellman
“Our archaeological ancestry lost hair while growing sweat glands to reduce panting in the hot African sun. One outcome evolved the origin of our speech. Another conquered our ability to shut the hell up and listen. Now? Politicians grunting “On the Origin of Speeches” past one another.”
— Brian Spellman
“With good morality first candidates you’ll get bad candor, bad ethics, bad loyalty and bad morality – lastly bad odor will surface to save the day if you maintain good optimism like I do.”
— Brian Spellman
“A good night’s sleep counts healthy sheep.”
— Brian Spellman
“I can’t name just one example. Then there’s only one.”
— Brian Spellman
“We contradict all for which we stand for we all stand for the lie the whole lie and nothing but the lie so help save our lying asses.”
— Brian Spellman
“Mom lied. The crust is the shittiest part.”
— Brian Spellman
“Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear so don’t look and they’ll stay farther away than you expect they would.”
— Brian Spellman
“I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up – late.”
— Brian Spellman
“I was accused of always acting superior. Always means being, not acting.”
— Brian Spellman
“My secret to maintaining a youthful appearance? Immaturity.”
— Brian Spellman
“He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword … unless he’s a general.”
— Brian Spellman
“Spare the rod and spoil the Memorial Day rotisserie.”
— Brian Spellman
“I say there is no darkness but ignorance,” said William Shakespeare. How would he know, he knew everything?”
— Brian Spellman
“He who laughs last laughs … doesn’t get it.”
— Brian Spellman
“All surgery and no makeup make Jack a dull girl.”
— Brian Spellman
“I’m nostalgic for a better tomorrow.”
— Brian Spellman
“Nostalgia was never what it used to be.”
— Brian Spellman
“I can’t answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn’t fit unless we saw the same shrink.”
— Brian Spellman
“To Americans, either/or means both.”
— Brian Spellman
“It’s no longer time to take sides for or against race, rather sides against those who still do.”
— Brian Spellman
“I recovered from recovering so no longer celebrate not doing bad things to defend myself as good. I added new bad for good measure.”
— Brian Spellman
“If sensing so badly of yourself you also sense a need to make me sense that, then I sense sadly that you cannot make better sense … sadder still if you cannot sense my sincerity.”
— Brian Spellman
“If you sense so badly that you also sense a need to make me sense that, then I sense sadly that you cannot make better sense … sadder still if you cannot sense my sincerity.”
— Brian Spellman
“The fine line between genius and madness is a punch line. Duck, you idiot!”
— Brian Spellman
“Don’t stay in this now. You’ll fall behind.”
— Brian Spellman
“First, let me finish. Then interrupt.”
— Brian Spellman
“Peace ain’t worth fighting for.”
— Brian Spellman
“Okay, you won our shitty little argument. Pass the world.”
— Brian Spellman