“My problem with the wedding industry started when I studied in college and liked to have the television on in the background, and ‘A Wedding Story’ on TLC always came on, and I’d get irritated that the story of two people making a lifelong commitment to each other could be encapsulated in a half-hour show about the party they throw.”
— Jessica Valenti
“Wedding fever is one of the scariest diseases I have ever seen.”
— Jessica Valenti
“As I grew up and began identifying myself as a feminist, there were plenty of issues that continued to make me question marriage: the father ‘giving’ the bride away, women taking their husband’s last name, the white dress, the vows promising to ‘obey’ the groom. And that only covers the wedding.”
— Jessica Valenti
“The truth is that we don’t need everyone to like us we need a few people to love us. Because what’s better than being roundly liked is being fully known – an impossibility both professionally and personally if you’re so busy being likable that you forget to be yourself.”
— Jessica Valenti
“The stereotypes of feminists as ugly, or man-haters, or hairy, or whatever it is – that’s really strategic. That’s a really smart way to keep young women away from feminism, is to kind of put out this idea that all feminists hate men, or all feminists are ugly; and that they really come from a place of fear.”
— Jessica Valenti
“Feminism isn’t simply about being a woman in a position of power. It’s battling systemic inequities; it’s a social justice movement that believes sexism, racism and classism exist and interconnect, and that they should be consistently challenged.”
— Jessica Valenti
“I think day care is terrific. Kids get to be around other kids, and they’re playing, and they’re teaching each other. When I was in college, my summer job was being a preschool teacher. I loved it, and after that experience, I said I can’t wait to put my kid in day care because I could see how much they loved it.”
— Jessica Valenti
“The truth about parenting is that the reality of our lives needs to be enough.”
— Jessica Valenti
“I think that the ideal of parenting can make people unhappy. It’s that this lie that they’re being told by society that parenting is one thing – and when parenting is something completely different – that’s what makes them unhappy.”
— Jessica Valenti
“Another abstinence book claims, “A woman is far more attracted by a man’s personality, while a man is stimulated by sight. A man is usually less discriminating about those to whom he is physically attracted.”
— Jessica Valenti
“Yet despite all these things we know to be true- despite the preponderance of evidence showing the mental and emotional distress people demonstrate in violent and harassing environments- we still have no name for what happens to women living in a culture that hates them.”
— Jessica Valenti
“So remember, this is definitely a screwed-if-you-do, screwed-if-you-don’t situation. You just remember to say, “Screw them.”
— Jessica Valenti
“But no one wants to listen to our sad stories unless they are smoothed over with a joke or nice melody. And even then, not always. No one wants to hear a woman talking or writing about pain in a way that suggests that it doesn’t end. Without a pat solution, silver lining, or happy ending we’re just complainers — downers who don’t realize how good we actually have it.Men’s pain and existential angst are the stuff of myth and legends and narratives that shape everything we do, but women’s pain is a backdrop- a plot development to push the story along for the real protagonists. Disrupting that story means we’re needy or shellfish, or worst of all, man-haters – as if after all men have done to women over the ages the mere act of not liking them for it is most offensive.”
— Jessica Valenti
“The less obvious hurdle is that of preparing parents emotionally and putting forward realistic images of parenthood and motherhood. There also needs to be some sort of acknowledgement that not everyone should parent – when parenting is a given, it’s not fully considered or thought out, and it gives way too easily to parental ambivalence and unhappiness.”
— Jessica Valenti
“This is why I prefer Queens to any other place. The borough of my parents and small business owners is populated by people who know how to work around the system when it tries to fuck you.”
— Jessica Valenti
“There’s a reason why the assumed goal for women in virginity-movement screeds is marriage and motherhood only: The movement only believes that’s the only thing women are meant for.”
— Jessica Valenti
“Making women the sexual gatekeepers and telling men they just can’t help themselves not only drives home the point that women’s sexuality is unnatural, but also sets up a disturbing dynamic in which women are expected to be responsible for men’s sexual behavior.”
— Jessica Valenti
“When women’s sexuality is imagined to be passive or “dirty,” it also means that men’s sexuality is automatically positioned as aggressive and right-no matter what form it takes. And when one of the conditions of masculinity, a concept that is already so fragile in men’s minds, is that men dissociate from women and prove their manliness through aggression, we’re encouraging a culture of violence and sexuality that’s detrimental to both men and women.”
— Jessica Valenti
“Given the reality of unintended parenthood and parental unhappiness, one would think that women and men who make the decision not to have children – who are deliberate and thoughtful about the choice to bring another person into the world – would be seen as less selfish than those who unthinkingly have children. Yet the stigma remains.”
— Jessica Valenti
“And really, how insulting is it that to suggest that the best thing women can do is raise other people to do incredible things? I’m betting some of those women would like to do great things of their own.”
— Jessica Valenti
“When abstinence curricula contain information about sexual abuse or assault (though they often don’t), the message is similar: The onus of preventing sexual assault is on girls, not on men.”
— Jessica Valenti
“The same people who wear shirts that read “fuck your feelings” and rail against “political correctness” seem to believe that there should be no social consequences for [voting for Trump]. I keep hearing calls for empathy and healing, civility and polite discourse. As if supporting a man who would fill his administration with white nationalists and misogynists is something to simply agree to disagree on.Absolutely not. You don’t get to vote for a person who brags about sexual assault and expect that the women in your life will just shrug their shoulders. You don’t get to play the victim when people unfriend you on Facebook, as if being disliked for supporting a bigot is somehow worse than the suffering that marginalized people will endure under Trump. And you certainly do not get to enjoy a performance by people of color and those in the LGBT community without remark or protest when you enact policies and stoke hatred that put those very people’s lives in danger.Being socially ostracized for supporting Trump is not an infringement of your rights, it’s a reasonable response by those of us who are disgusted, anxious, and afraid. I was recently accused by a writer of “vote shaming” – but there’s nothing wrong with being made to feel ashamed for doing something shameful.”
— Jessica Valenti
“In addition to shaming sexual-assault victims, positioning abstinence as women’s domain further promotes the notion that it’s women’s morality that’s on the line when it comes to sex, men just can’t help themselves, so their ethics are safe from criticism.”
— Jessica Valenti
“According to the virginity movement, men have no self-control when it comes to anything sexual.”
— Jessica Valenti
“Do you think it is fair that guy will make more money doing the same job as you? Does it piss you off and scare you when you find out about your friends getting raped? Do you ever feel like shit about your body? Do you ever feel like something is weong with you because you don’t fit into this bizarre ideal of what girls are supposed to be like? Well, my friend, I hate to break it to you, but you’re hardcore feminist. I swear.”
— Jessica Valenti
“When are we going to realize that hating other women – no matter how much money they have or how far they’ve fallen – is just as bad for ourselves as it is for anyone else?”
— Jessica Valenti
“Be as pissed off as you want to be. Don’t hold back because you think it’s unladylike or some such nonsense. We shouldn’t be shamed out of our anger. We should be using it. Using it to make change in our own lives, and using it to make change in the lives around us. (I know, I’m cheesy.) So the next time someone calls you emotional, or asks if you’re PMSing, call them on their bullshit.”
— Jessica Valenti
“My least favorite form of street harassment is when a guy asks why I’m not smiling. It’s related to that: Women aren’t allowed to be quiet or stoic or shy—or, hell, just in a bad mood—without being criticized. Women are bitchy and frigid if we don’t seem accessible at all times, for the most part to men. We’re supposed to be perpetually friendly. Who wants to live up to that? And seriously, when was the last time you heard a quiet woman described as “deep”?Men who are serious are just that—serious. Think laconic cowboys and Clint Eastwood-style movie heroes. Strong and silent is a desirable personality trait for men—women, not so much. Because where silence in men is seen as strength, silence in women (if not seen as bitchy) is seen as weakness—she’s shy, a wallflower.”
— Jessica Valenti
“I’ve always found the idea of ‘saving’ your virginity intriguing: it’s not as if we’re packing our Saran-wrapped hymens away in the freezer, after all, or pasting them in scrapbooks. But packed-away virginities aside, the interesting — and dangerous — idea at play here is that of ‘morality.” When young women are taught about morality, there’s not often talk of compassion, kindness, courage, or integrity. There is, however, a lot of talk about hymens (though the preferred words are undoubtedly more refined — think ‘virginity’ and ‘chastity’): if we have them, when we’ll lose them, and under what circumstances we’ll be rid of them.”
— Jessica Valenti
“What’s the worst possible thing you can call a woman? Don’t hold back, now. You’re probably thinking of words like slut, whore, bitch, cunt (I told you not to hold back!), skank. Okay, now, what are the worst things you can call a guy? Fag, girl, bitch, pussy. I’ve even heard the term “mangina.” Notice anything? The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult. Now tell me that’s not royally fucked up.”
— Jessica Valenti