“My prototype of a woman was the type who would appear in hallucinations at the last moments of your freezing to death at the top of an icy mountain, a mythical beauty who blurred the line between dreams and reality. For four years, that’s what I believed. And I wasted all of my university days–during which I had the most courage and honesty I would ever have towards life–because of it.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“She had sought me out. I knew it would happen. Even if I had switched to a different section, she would have sought me out all the same. She, who hid in the crowd, who didn’t want anyone to see her behind her veil of averted eyes and aloofness. When I stepped forward, she came out, too. And she pointed and said, revealing a child’s wanton smile: “That’s the one I want.” And like a potted sunflower that had just been sold to a customer, I was taken away. There was no way to refuse. This, from a beautiful girl that I was already deeply, viscerally attracted to. Things were getting good.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“Loyalty is not a passive, negative guardianship of the gate– loyalty arises from the complete & utter opening & subsequent blazing forth of one’s inner life. It is an active, determined desire that demands total self-awareness & deliberate engagement.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“Human nature has its fatal weaknesses, but ‘love’ means embracing the whole of human nature, the bad within the good, the benign within the malicious, the beautiful within the tragic. ‘Love’ is the experience of this whole, its unfinished parts, including those of one’s own in relation to those of the other.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“Love is not merely need alone, & what is more important is loving you, & making my true nature comprehensible to you.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“And on it flows. I long to lie down quietly by the banks of a blue lake and die … and when I’m dead for my body to be consumed by birds and beasts, leaving only the bone of my brow for Xu … like Alexander, loyal to an everlasting love.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“Suicide. This is the exact opposite of last time, for this time I’m experiencing a kind of pleasure in life, in being alive, a pleasure in living that I’ve never experienced before, and I’m hopeful and confident that I can become someone with dignity. I know now why I couldn’t change certain characteristics and certain things about myself, but it’s not a problem anymore. Certain pathways I failed to open in the past have now opened. My whole self is radiating light. I see with clarity. I understand the cause and effect of the last year. What I had imagined I’ve now attained. It’s as if I can see my life right in front of my eyes, and all I have to do is reach out and draw it in… Now I don’t feel the acute pain I felt before; I feel enlightened, at peace. It’s as if I’ve instantly found the secret of “Suffering”, how to bear it and how to endure it… Yes, this time I’ve decided to kill myself not because I can’t live with suffering and not because I don’t enjoy being alive. I love life passionately, and my wish to die is a wish to live…Yes, I’ve chosen suicide. The endpoint of this process of “Forgiveness”. Not to punish anyone or to protest a wrong. I’ve chosen suicide with a clarity I’ve never possessed before, with a rational resolve and sense of calm, in order to pursue the ultimate meaning of my life, act on my belief about the beauty between two people… I take complete responsibility for my life, and even if my physical body disappears upon death, I don’t believe my spirit will disappear. As long as I have loved people fully, then I can be content fading into “Nothingness”. If I’m using death to express my passion for life, then I still don’t love her enough, don’t love life enough. and I will reincarnate in a different form to love her and to be part of her life… So the death of my flesh really doesn’t mean anything. Doesn’t solve anything.Is this a tragedy? Will there be tragedy?”
— Qiu Miaojin
“I love my own kind—womankind.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“It’s easy for the body to be open to desiring different people because desire wells up & demands to be satisfied. It’s easy to categorize corporeal desire as sexuality, but if it has no means of merging with spiritual desire, then a rupture will occur between sprit & flesh. For ultimately passion & sex aren’t only expressed physically but through a true union between two spirits. When the spirit can truly love & find contentment, both the body & the other key aspects of life will fall naturally into place, working in unison, merging.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“Passion. It’s not a male body’s, & it’s not a female body’s It’s not the penetration or reception of sex organs, & it’s not how powerful a body is or the amount of its sexual secretions. It’s not how a person expresses their strengths or weaknesses to other people. Passion is a quality, a quality that is an energy resource that someone can tap into within themselves. The type of passion I’ve been searching for in people is similar to my own. It’s not necessarily in the body of a woman.”
— Qiu Miaojin
“With sincerity, courage, & honesty, one can face death, extreme physical pain, & even extreme psychological pain. One can resist persecution from individuals, society, or government. To live in preparation of adversity & finding ways to preserve your core values –this is what it means to learn “how to live.”
— Qiu Miaojin