“She was worried about childbirth too cause she's little, you know. She's all scared. She's like, ""When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious."" And I'm like ""That's how ya were when you got pregnant!"" That's full circle, right there! I did feel bad. That's tough. I'm tellin' ya. I felt horrible for her. Just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing and sweating, biting down on a stick...Ugh! Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets. You ever eat them Hot Pockets? Good Lord! I was backed up like a urinal on Saint Patrick's Day after eating them damn things. It was embarrassing. She's in the bed, giving b- I'm on the toilet next to her, You know? I'm like ""I need another Epidural in here if you got one!”
“I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties! .”
“I like to hunt. We went to a nuclear power plant and hunted in the woods next to it. I got a 34-point rabbit in there. We always go at night. It's easier. All the critters glow in the dark out there.”
“I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, ""Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!"" I said, ""It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!”
“Good Lord, I went in for a check up the other day and the doctor said ""You need to lay off eggs."" I go ""Is my cholesterol bad?"" He said ""No, your farts are killing everybody in this room.”
“I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stack of scratch-off tickets, I'll tell you what.”
“That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!”
“You know, you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a toddler. On a terrorist, the diaper is gonna be on the head, all right? That's how you can tell the difference. It's upsetting. Unbelievable. They got absolutely nothing in common except both diapers are full of crap.”
“What does fruit got to do with underbritches? I guess it's to remind us when we take them down we go, ""Oh, I should've eaten more fruit today. I guess.”
“Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?”
“I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.”
“Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?”