Clergyman's

OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
- Larry the Cable Guy

OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
- Larry the Cable Guy

OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
- Larry the Cable Guy

I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. .
- Larry the Cable Guy

A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, ""Hey, that's pretty cool!"" Problem was, he was home-schooled.
- Larry the Cable Guy

A great-great grandpa offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis. .
- Larry the Cable Guy

Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games! .
- Larry the Cable Guy

We always have a tradition at our family reunion, we always have the family tug-of-war, and this year it was my dad's side of the family against my sister-in-law. She wins every year! I swear, she runs on diesel. That's a fat bastard, right there! She went on a diet one time, Little Debbie laid off 500 employees. Last Halloween, she dressed in white, came as a blizzard.
- Larry the Cable Guy

I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. I might as well have just used the dollar.
- Larry the Cable Guy

Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!
- Larry the Cable Guy