Clergyman's

I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.
- Larry the Cable Guy

Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!
- Larry the Cable Guy

That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!
- Larry the Cable Guy

Them prices are higher than a bus load of Mexicans at the Los Lobos concert.
- Larry the Cable Guy

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, ""Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!
- Larry the Cable Guy

At first I didn't even realize she was pregnant. I kinda gotten used to her throwing up every time we had sex...
- Larry the Cable Guy

If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? Say hello to my little friend.
- Larry the Cable Guy

Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' ""pass""!
- Larry the Cable Guy

Did you hear about the high school football coach who got in trouble for letting his players have sex with his wife? How does that work? ""Robinson! Get in there!
- Larry the Cable Guy

This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, ""My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!"" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!
- Larry the Cable Guy