“You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.”— Craig Ferguson
“He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.”— Craig Ferguson
“I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.”— Craig Ferguson
“I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.”— Craig Ferguson
“I didn’t flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.”— Craig Ferguson
“Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?”— Craig Ferguson
“There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.”— Craig Ferguson
“Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.”— Craig Ferguson
“The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.”— Craig Ferguson
“Hey dawg, wassup?” he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.”— Craig Ferguson
“Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men… Nah.”— Craig Ferguson
“If a man doesn’t know how to dance he doesn’t know how to make love, there I said it!”— Craig Ferguson
“I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”— Craig Ferguson
“Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn’t do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.”— Craig Ferguson
“That’s why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? … They are Evil.”— Craig Ferguson
“When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. ‘You don’t pay me back I break both yer legs.’ Is that all? You won’t take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don’t even have to sign anything.”— Craig Ferguson
“Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven’t touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.”— Craig Ferguson
“On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.”— Craig Ferguson
“My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn’t noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.”— Craig Ferguson
“I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.”— Craig Ferguson
“Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you’ve got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?Hey, Hey, Tomorrow’s just your future yesterday.Tell the clock on the wall, “Forget the wake up call.”Cause the night’s not nearly through.Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.Let your worries wait another day.And if you stay too late at the bar,At least you made it out this far. So make up your mind and say, “Let’s do it anyway!”Its OkYou can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok? Hey, Hey, Tomorrow’s just your future yesterday. Life’s too short to worry about the things that you can live withoutAnd I regret to say, the morning light is hours away.The world can be such a fright, But it belongs to us tonight.What’s the point of going to bed?You look so lovely when your eyes are red.Tomorrow’s just your future yesterday.”— Craig Ferguson
“Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”— Craig Ferguson