“I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it”
— Craig Ferguson
“Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second.”
— Craig Ferguson
“The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I’d sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.”
— Craig Ferguson
“The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”
— Craig Ferguson
“It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.”
— Craig Ferguson
“School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.”
— Craig Ferguson
“He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t.”
— Craig Ferguson
“You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.”
— Craig Ferguson
“After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food’s in the oven. And I’m in the bedroom performin’ self lovin’.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I’ve got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.”
— Craig Ferguson
“She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.”
— Craig Ferguson
“People talk to old people like they’re children.’Oh you’re very old aren’t you?’ Yeah I’m old. I’m not stupid.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.”
— Craig Ferguson
“The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.”
— Craig Ferguson
“The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.”
– Craig Ferguson
“If Scotland and America go to war, I’m afraid I’ve already sworn in.”
– Craig Ferguson
“I think I’m just someone that just tries to get by. I’m kind of – if it was during the Second World War, I’d be a black marketeer, I think.”
– Craig Ferguson
“I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’”
– Craig Ferguson
“I realized women and humor were linked very closely.”
– Craig Ferguson
“I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.”
– Craig Ferguson