“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
– Erma Bombeck
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
– Erma Bombeck
“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ‘Checkout Time is 18 years.’”
– Erma Bombeck
“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”
– Erma Bombeck
“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
– Erma Bombeck
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
– Erma Bombeck
“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”
– Erma Bombeck
“What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”
– Erma Bombeck
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.”
– Erma Bombeck
“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Children make your life important.”
– Erma Bombeck