“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
– Phyllis Diller
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.”
– Phyllis Diller
“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”
– Phyllis Diller
“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
– Phyllis Diller
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
– Phyllis Diller
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
– Phyllis Diller
“There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
– Phyllis Diller
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
– Phyllis Diller
“It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.”
– Phyllis Diller
“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
– Phyllis Diller
“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
– Phyllis Diller
“It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
– Phyllis Diller