“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
– Steven Wright
“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
– Steven Wright
“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
– Steven Wright
“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.”
– Steven Wright
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.”
– Steven Wright
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
– Steven Wright
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’”
– Steven Wright
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
– Steven Wright
“How young can you die of old age?”
– Steven Wright