“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
– Steven Wright
“I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”
– Steven Wright
“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
– Steven Wright
“I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.”
– Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
– Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
– Steven Wright
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright
“When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.”
– Steven Wright
“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
– Steven Wright
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
– Steven Wright
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.”
– Steven Wright
“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”
– Steven Wright
“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”
– Steven Wright
“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’”
– Steven Wright
“Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’”
– Steven Wright
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
– Steven Wright
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
– Steven Wright
“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
– Steven Wright
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
– Steven Wright
“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”
– Steven Wright
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
– Steven Wright
“I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
– Steven Wright
“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
– Steven Wright
“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”
– Steven Wright
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”
– Steven Wright
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright